


You make me lose my rind.

by Lonaargh



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: AU where Derek is a deputy, Drinking, M/M, Silly, Stripping, babybump, fratboys - Freeform, mild swearing, watermelon, what even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-07-13 21:42:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7138418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lonaargh/pseuds/Lonaargh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In order to be accepted into the frathouse of his choice, Stiles has to undergo certain... rituals. And he would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for that one pesky deputy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You make me lose my rind.

“Dude, you totally have to do this.”

 Stiles groaned. This was absurd. He glanced around at his (soon to be) fraternity brothers, hoping against hope to spot a sign on their faces that they were kidding. They couldn’t be serious about this. His dad was the freaking sheriff of this town. If his dad heard of this, prison would be the least of his worries. He’d be looking at being disowned and getting glared at for the rest of his father’s living days.

 “All you have to do is go inside that supermarket, then steal the item that’s written on this note.” They gave him a sealed envelope. Inside it, Stiles presumed, was the note they were talking about. Great. Just great. Knowing his luck, it’d be something absolutely horrifying to get caught with. XXS Condoms. Dentures glue. Adult diapers. Something like that.

  
“Once you’ve given us the item, we can start the preparation for your initiation party tonight.”

Well. At least there was going to be a party afterwards. Stiles heaved a heavy sigh and raked his fingers through his hair. Whelp. There was no getting out of this.  
“And remember,” they added, “if you leave the store without the item, it’s game over. You’ll have failed and the punishment will be severe!”

“Fine. I’ll be back in a few minutes. If I get caught and end up in prison, I’m blaming you guys. I’m tiny, frail, blessed with cocksucking lips and a great ass. I will not survive prison. And that will be on your heads.” He glared at them one last time as he strode into the store, his shoulders squared, his back straight, and his head held up high. Once he was sure they couldn’t see him anymore he let his posture slump again.

This sucked. He opened the envelope and read the note. He frowned, rubbed his eyes, then read the note again.  
“Oh, come on. This is not fair.,” Stiles growled, crumpling up the note and walking to the exit.

 The guys were waiting for him outside, bursting out in laughter when they saw him reappear.  
“You guys all suck!” Stiles shouted at them from inside the store. For a moment he hesitated, staring at the crumpled note in his balled fist. He was pulled from his reverie when an elderly lady crashed her shopping cart against his ankle.   
“Ow! Fuck!” Stiles hopped around on his foot, clutching the wounded leg.  
The lady didn’t seem impressed, she simply stuck her nose in the air and huffed at Stiles’ cursing.

 This was stupid. Immensely stupid. It was something Scott would do. Or Isaac. But not Stiles. He was supposed to be the _smart_ one.   
“Dad is going to kill me,” he groaned under his breath, uncrumpling the note and looking at it again. Maybe the item would’ve magically changed into something else. Maybe…   
But no. There it still was. Written in the spiky handwriting of one of the guys was the word “Watermelon”, still readable.

Well. Shit.

* * *

Stiles strolled nonchalantly to the fruit aisle, resisting the urge to duck and hide behind a few displays. He whistled between his teeth, picking up an apple and pretending to examine it closely. In reality, he was checking if anybody was watching him. He could feel his heart pounding in his throat. How does one steal a watermelon?   
He couldn’t just carry it out, that would draw too much attention. He chewed on his lip, lost in thought. Then the idea hit him. 

He grabbed the biggest watermelon he could find and headed for the register. On the way there he also grabbed a packet of gum and put it on the counter together with the watermelon. Then, making sure the boys outside couldn’t see him, he leaned over to the cute cashier and flashed her his biggest and sweetest grin. 

“Listen, could you do me a huge favour?” he asked her. Not waiting for her answer he went on, “Could you ring up these two items for me, but NOT put the watermelon on the receipt?”

 The girl looked at him as if he was crazy, “Sir, you do realize that you will have no proof that you paid for it afterwards?” she asked.

Stiles nodded, “Yes. I do. In fact, I want you to tell anyone who asks you that you have NO recollection of me paying for that watermelon. Just the gum. Got it?”

The girl looked as if she was about to object, but her objections quickly melted away when he gave her five dollars just to do as he asked.  
He paid for the watermelon and the pack of gum, smiling smugly at his cunning plan. He checked the receipt, and sure enough, only the pack of gum was on it.

He put the gum with the receipt in the pocket of his jeans and, with some effort, stuck the watermelon under his shirt. He looked around at the cashier, who now seemed absolutely convinced that he was insane, and gave her a wink.  
“Remember,” he said, “I only paid for the gum.”   
And with that he walked outside, the watermelon safely tucked underneath his shirt.

Sure, it looked stupid. And he wasn’t sure they would believe he actually stole the bloody thing. But, he now had a witness and proof. He was so smart. Smart and handsome, two words to describe Stiles Stilinski. He strutted towards the guys, waving happily at them. 

But something was wrong. Instead of cheering him on, he could faintly hear them yell at him, just before they ran away. Why on earth would they run from-

A hand fell heavy on his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks.  
“You there! Hold up!”

Well. Shit.

Stiles turned around to the person stopping him, and instantly wished that the ground would open up to devour him.  
Standing there in front of him, impossibly handsome, deputy badge gleaming in the sun, was Derek Hale. He had met Derek a few times before, usually when he was bringing his dad some dinner at the station. But they never exchanged more than a few words and the occasional nod. Something told Stiles that was about to change. For the worse.

“Why, hello there, Officer,” Stiles greeted Derek, desperately trying to hide the huge bump under his shirt.   
“Stiles, isn’t it? Sorry to stop you like this, but you seemed a bit suspicious when you left the supermarket and I wanted to-” his gaze fell on Stiles’ melon-bump.

Stiles could simply _see_ Derek’s brain trying to process this.

“Is that a… watermelon?” 

“I’m pregnant.”

The instant the words left Stiles’ mouth, he realized that was a stupid thing to say. Everyone knew Derek Hale had no sense of humour.

“Sure you are. Can you show me the receipt for your baby?” 

Okay. So maybe the dude had a tiny sliver of humour. Just a little bit though.  
“Not quite,” Stiles said slowly, “I have a receipt for the packet of gum I bought at the same time though. The watermelon is just not on it.” He glanced around, checking if people could hear them. “It’s for a hazing,” he whispered.

“Uh-huh. A hazing.” Derek was staring intently at his face, which made Stiles extremely nervous. 

“It’s true!” he babbled, “The cashier will tell you that I asked her to not put the melon on the receipt. I even bribed her to do it!” 

“Stiles,” Derek sighed, rubbing his face, “Do you have any idea how absolutely unbelievable this sounds?” 

Stiles shrugged, dislodging the watermelon in the process. If it wasn’t for Derek’s quick reaction, the piece of fruit would have fallen out from under his shirt and splattered on the ground.  It was probably a strange sight, Derek with his hands on Stiles’ belly. The old woman who crashed into Stiles’ ankles earlier smiled at them as she shuffled past.  
“It’s always a blessing to feel the baby kick, isn’t it, dear?” she called out to them, not in the least fazed about the whole situation. 

Derek quickly pulled his hands off Stiles’ shirt, his cheeks a bright red under the dark stubble. He cleared his throat.   
“Right. Yes.” he muttered, “Let’s go inside and ask the young lady what happened.”

* * *

 

Sadly, the cashier took her five dollar job very seriously.  
“No, sir,” she insisted adamantly, even going so far as winking at Stiles, “this young man really only paid for the pack of gum. I’m positive of this.” 

“Oh, come on,” Stiles pleaded with her, trying to refrain from strangling her, “you were supposed to not tell the guys from my frathouse. Obviously it’s alright for you to tell the FREAKING DEPUTY!”

“No, no. I’m sure. You didn’t pay.” She practically beamed at Stiles. Would it be a bad idea to kill someone in front of a deputy? He glanced up at Derek’s unreadable face. Yeah. It probably would be a bad idea.

“You know what,” Derek suddenly spoke up, “I’m sure we can convince the owner of the supermarket to have a look at this security footage. We can easily see what happened then.”

Half an hour later, Derek and Stiles stepped out of the supermarket. Stiles’ name had been cleared, but Derek hadn’t stopped scolding him for being a blithering idiot since he found out that Stiles had been telling the truth all along. 

“Don’t ever do something as stupid as that again,” he said, as he got behind the wheel of his car, “or I’ll be forced to tell your father.”

 “No problem!” Stiles promised cheerfully, clutching his watermelon close, “I’m just happy we could figure all this out.” 

He watched Derek drive away and walked to the frathouse, watermelon safely in his arms. That was a close one.

* * *

 The party was awesome. The party was wild. The party had a lot of booze. Stiles was very drunk. Stiles was also staring intently at a few watermelon shots.   
“Guys… please don’t tell me this is made from my baby…”  
He prodded the tiny glasses and watched the pink liquid slosh over the edge. 

“Alright, Stilinski! It’s time for your initiation into our brotherhood!” One of the guys boomed, his name was something like Brad, or Chad… something quarterback-y. Danny would’ve been so very all over this dude if he had been here.   
Stiles looked up and blinked fuzzily. His vision was a bit blurred, but he could clearly see the blindfold in Brad/Chad’s hands. This… didn’t bode well.

“s’going on?” he slurred, standing up semi-straight.  
He let out a not very manly giggle when they blindfolded him. He didn’t protest as they spun him around a few times.

“Stiles,” Brad/Chad shouted, “You can only enter this fraternity the way you were born-”   
Well. That was a strange thing to say. These people took this whole fraternity thing way too seriously.   
“NAKED!” Everybody around him suddenly yelled, followed by “Strip, Strip, Strip, Strip.” 

Well. If they wanted it that badly, who was he to object? Somebody put on some music with a nice beat to it and Stiles figured, what the heck. Swinging his hips to the beat, he slowly took off his shirt and swung it over his head for good measure. This was actually kind of fun. The whooping sounds he heard when he started unbuttoning his pants only made things better. His jeans quickly followed the same path as his shirt. But just when he was about to start with his socks, someone yelled, “Shit! The cops!”. 

The music stopped suddenly, and Stiles could hear people scrambling to get away. Stiles stood where he was, wearing nothing but his boxershorts and a pair of white socks.  
“s’going on?” he slurred for the second time that night. 

“You have GOT to be kidding me,” he heard an all too familiar voice say.   
Well. Shit.

* * *

 Derek was cool. Stiles had decided this last night, while he was sitting halfnaked in the backseat of the patrolcar. Derek was cool enough to promise to not tell sheriff Stilinski that his son had been at a party where there had _apparently_ been drugs and underage drinking. So, Stiles had decided that Derek was cool. Stiles had also decided to never trust a guy named Brad or Chad ever again. The fraternity could go fuck itself.

Derek had dropped him off in front of his house. This wasn’t a problem because the sheriff had a nightshift and would be blissfully unaware of Stiles being dropped off by deputy Hale.  
See? Very cool, indeed.

Derek rolled the window down.   
“Drink some water, go to bed, sleep,” he ordered, the look of a thousand school teachers on his face.

Stiles leaned on the roof of the car, trying to pull off a suave pose he had once seen in a movie. It failed, but Stiles was nimble enough to prevent himself from falling flat on his face. Instead, he fell flat on his butt. This didn’t deter him.  
  
“So, officer,” he winked at Derek, “Would you and your pretty face like to come in for a cup of coffee?” 

Derek rolled his eyes.  
“Get up, Stiles. Go inside, sleep.”  
Derek waited until Stiles had actually gotten up and watched as the boy stumbled inside, before driving off into the night. 

* * *

 “Stiles! Get down here. NOW!” The sound of his father bellowing his name at the bottom of the stairs made Stiles jump out of bed instantly. He was dressed and downstairs before his brain even had the time to start wondering what was going on.

 “What? What is it?” He looked around for whatever it was that could’ve pissed his father off that badly. Then his eye fell on the piece of paper his father held in his hands and he felt his stomach drop. It was a note written on the Sheriff Office’s stationary and Stiles could see it was signed by Derek. Okay. So. Derek tattled to his father. Not cool. 

“Care to explain this?” His father demanded.

“Well. Look, dad. It’s-” How to explain to your father that you almost got arrested for not stealing a watermelon? How to explain to your father that, although you were almost naked at a party, this didn’t necessarily meant you participated in ALL going ons at said party? 

“Because next time, I’d damn well like a heads up before you start trying to get in the pants of one of my deputies!” His father thrust the piece of paper in Stiles’ unresisting hands and stomped off to the kitchen.

Wait, what? 

Stiles quickly started reading the note, trying to not let his heart burst out of his chest. 

“ _Stiles,_

_I’ve put my hands on your babybump. I’ve seen you halfnaked, wearing only socks. I’ve told you to go to bed. It seems we’re doing things in the wrong order. How about we correct that and do things properly, like starting with a first date. Would you care to have a drink with me this weekend?_

_Derek._

_PS. I really liked your boxershorts. A pity I didn’t arrive just a few moments later.”_

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a pun! I stole it from google, but it's still a pun!
> 
> A million thanks to Stilienski for being the beta for this piece AND for giving me the prompt. You're the best!


End file.
